I Was Here First
An angry man, scaling the cliffs of coherence and only rarely reaching the top.

This Week I Have Mostly Been Believing In…

Existentialists believe that the glass is half empty, so if we want a drink we’d better fill it up our damn selves.

Nihilists believe that the glass has shattered into a thousand tiny pieces, each of which has scattered across the floor like confetti, coming to rest alone and lonely and useless and this whole thing is pointless anyway.

Determinists believe that something has caused the glass to be either half-full or half-empty. Determinists have yet to find an either/or question they couldn’t be a massive dick about.

Fatalists believe that the glass has always been doomed to be half-empty, because you don’t get to be called a fatalist if you have a positive life-view.

Objectivists believe the glass is half full and belongs to them, and if you want a drink you should stop being such a parasite, get a job and buy your own glass and liquid to fill it with.

Humanists believe that if the glass is half full it’s because someone filled it, and if it’s half empty it’s because someone drank it. That’s it.

Post-structuralists believe that whether the glass is half full or half empty depends entirely on who’s looking at it.

Post-modernists believe the glass is half-full. halffull. halful. hawlful. awlful. awful. owful. owlful. fowlful. sowlful.  soulful.

Atheists don’t believe in the glass. They know the glass is there, and they know how much liquid it contains, but belief is a fallacy.

Theists believe that trying to divine the nature of the glass is pointless, but they have faith that the glass is there.

After sitting in a dark room and thinking for a long time, Rationalists have reached the conclusion that the glass is on the table and it holds a quantity of liquid. But they can’t be certain.

Egoist anarchists believe that the glass rightfully belongs to them unless you’re stronger than they are, in which case here’s your glass, sir. Would you like me to get you a napkin? … please don’t hurt me.

Absurdists believe the glass is half full of snakes and is made of urine. Just kidding; the snakes are badgers and The Joker does a little dance.


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